When F becomes S.

 “To meet Triumph and Disaster, and treat those two impostors just the same” – Rudyard Kipling.

I always stumble on blogs advising me on how to handle disaster, impending doom and omg-it’s-the-end-of-the-world situations (being one of the people who contribute to blogs of this sort myself hehe) Reflecting on my own posts, when the success I’ve coveted finally arrives, the usual expressions would be THANK GOD I DID IT followed by a whole row of !!!!!!!!!!! and words like YES I AM SOOOOO HAPPY.

Semester 2 was tough to say the least. It was a sort of a now or never moment for me. Losing everyone’s respect when you don’t perform is not as bad as losing respect for yourself because you know you didn’t try as hard as they did.

The best thing about not making it in the beginning is the chance it gave me to really reflect on every single factor in my life and try to get it in tip top shape again. 

There were moments when I’d just choke, especially close to the exams when I had no definite bedtime and every single hour slept felt like a golden opportunity to study that I missed out upon. 

Getting paranoid, staying up till 7 am then wondering, should I go to sleep or continue with my usual morning routine? 

No matter how hard it got, knowing that Allah was there for me every second, with me every time I stumbled on Econs, knowing that He knows how bad I was at Kinetics and how I was always so careless in Math. Talking to Him became easy, searching for His love came naturally. When exams ended, I left it all in His hands. I had done my part, and He would definitely give me what’s best.

Praises to Him who holds dominion over all, when results came out, the most satisfying part was knowing that I had given it my best.

 I’m not this completely objective being. I didn’t view it as a test at all. In fact, I was down in the dumps for quite a while that I didn’t really know how to react. 

The heady mix of praises, shock and egoistical thoughts went straight to my head and I lost my grip. Who am I kidding when I think that I owe my success to myself?

“When harm touched man, he calls to Us (for help); then when We have (rescued from him that harm and) changed it into a favour from Us, he says: “Only because of knowledge (that I possess) I obtained it.” Nay, it is only a trial, but most of them know not!” 39:49

Yeah, I’ll say it to myself, “IN YOUR FACE!” This is why success is way more potentially harmful to anyone. You start to think that you’re the best, and belittle others in your eyes. 

The tendency to exude self-appraisal and carry round an inflated head between your shoulders is very high. In failure, when you’re all alone, and He’s the most comforting thought you have, you invest all your attention on Him. Success focuses attention on you, so you’d spend less attention focusing on Him.

It’s a sobering thought. Make no mistake, I am thankful for all Allah’s given me I gotta remember that it belongs to Him. He can take it away in an instant, and I’d be way better off without it if it leads me down the expressway to the dark side.

This week’s good news came unexpectedly and I can feel Him watching the way I’m going to go about it. 

I’m beginning to dread the moment when someone asks or telling people because I’m too susceptible to the Big Headed Syndrome. I feel like an idiot when people praise me because as the Prophet mentioned, it’s the worst thing you can do to a friend, equivalent to cutting off their neck. 

It’s such an awkward situation, and I know by experience that most of the people congratulating you won’t give a care once your down and won’t even lend a hand when they see you like that.

 Success is a double edged sword. Failure isn’t a lasting phase. 

Both are trials, bear them both well, for He’s observing you, that’s all I’m trying to say.

And Alhamdulillah, dear Allah, I’m really thankful for the results, the interview, the IELTS and the awareness to know that it was You who set it all up.