Saturday, September 25, 2010

banting living

Monday - The drudgery of returning to school after a maddening Raya with the whole shebang. I think my I left my brain somewhere between the kuih raya jars, my soul at Kelantan and my body in bed. Only to return and be confronted with headache inducing TOK questions in which I speak on behalf of M10A when I say,
"Really teacher, we don't know."

Tuesday - Finished up our mural at SK Bukit Tadom was all we did cause the kiddies were having their UPSR exams. Traded public examination horror stories which included break downs, waking up late and incorrect SPM spot questions (tee hee). Oh man, someone somewhere, SAVE MEDSEM and sponsor us ambitious young ones!

Wednesday - RAYA in school! Yes, its a whole month of fasting followed by a whole month of feasting. All I can say is, bye bye Glycemic Index.
What I learnt today:
 1.Identify friends who don't like cendol and "borrow" their coupons.
 2. Farah Lina gets lucky.
 3. Engineering people seem more gifted than Medic kids.

Thursday - Kudos to my Chem test for giving the best wake up call ever. The little builder elves in my brain have started to build up this weeks work pile. Manifesto night madness ensues! Syazwani Dan and Nurfarhana Reza, you have been sorely missed. And all the J kids.

Friday - God works in mysterious ways. Slept early, so luckily by 6.00 am I was showered and ready to go.
'Cause then the bomb dropped : NO WATER IN THE BLOCK!
Complained to F that I couldnt go home for Medi's birthday and that I had a full day cuz tonight was Manifesto Night and SPR would be busy.
But God is the master planner.
While the masses cheered, the SPR banged our heads on walls. Yet again, somethings come up to blow away the weeks work. There is a hikmah in this SPR-ians.
Usrah: Where you stand in Gods eyes is where He stands in yours. Reset your priorities. The heart is pure, but like water, the more dirt you put in it, the more murky it becomes.

Saturday- Of hantarans, rings, wedding clothes and playing gooseberry. Followed by dinner in Sahara Tent. For once, the elves in my brain didn't let me lose myself in the joy of being at home. Homework status : 60% done

Sunday - Time and again I've tried to avoid asking this question but it just keeps popping up. Do I have to go back?
Magical thought to get me through the week: KASUKMA holidays!
Counter-magical thought to get me through the week: Econs and Bio test immediately after.

Next week will be better.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

like a cold, its a-catching.

Time to move on to greater heights huh? I feel like I haven’t been giving it my all yet. Resting on my laurels has made turned my bum into weights, loading me down. It really is hard to focus. EXCEL program's up for grabs and my mental compass seems to digress.

I feel like I’m swimming in a pool of trivial things and I only get real spirit and focus when I go up, gasping for air. All I get is little gasps of motivation. Then my head goes back down and I’m drowning in banalities again.

It’s the silly mistakes. Misplaced rulers, broken key chains, words whispered behind hands, one to many awkward moments and I’m put off yet again.

I’ve forgotten a lot. Its a lot lonelier here than PC. No comforting arms to banish the fears and soothe away the aches of PMS.

The words of some wise man is ringing in my ears, surprisingly in Miss Jay Alexanders voice that "Not failure but low aim is a crime".

Shoot for the moon, aim high yada ya. I should make an attempt. It seems like the best decision. Now I'll just wait for the rush of determination and kiasuism to set in which always tells me I did good.

Does the absence of feeling indicate the presence of remorse? Or is that a feeling too?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

healing and i will do my best

Hearts in the hand of another heart and in God’s hand are all hearts

An eye takes care of another eye and from God’s eye nothing hides

Seek only to give and you’ll receive

So, heal and you will be healed

Monday, September 13, 2010

sinners, regretters, hopeless & fretters

Mohamed Al-Husayn- Ya Ilahi

Ya Ilahi the visual.

In the night among the nights,
I don't know what happened to me,
A darkness invaded me,
O Lord.

The Earth and the sky shranks,
And I didn't see the light,
And the tears started to fall,
The tears started to fall,
Oh my Lord.

Ya Ilahi, Ya Ilahi,
Ya Ilahi, Ya Ilahi.

I have sinned and the regret is big,
And I am in sadness and sorry,
I can't bear this regret O Lord,

Does the enemy, O Lord,
Need to be a criminal?
I can't support this bitter regret,
O Lord.

Ya Ilahi, Ya Ilahi,

You are the one who created me,
And gave me mercy,
And you enriched me,
Always my Lord you were with me,

But I neglected you,
And I forgot what you have,
And I followed my road,
Oh my Lord.

Ya Ilahi, Ya Ilahi.

And today O Lord I am demanding,
Protection from the darkeness without frontiers,
The heart is broken,
And the path is hard,

And I the drowned, I only see you,
To rescue me,
No other, no rescuer,
Except you,

Ya Ilahi, Ya Ilahi,
Ya Ilahi, Ya Ilahi.

let the light come pouring through, because you are my ceasefire, for M.

Where to begin?

OK, it starts with sorry. Then hello. Then lots of angry words. But ends with I'm here. Because the last words are the ones you're gonna walk away with.

I'm here and will always be here.


Killer triumvirate. We shared secrets. We shared lives. Scehemd schemes. Plotted plots. Passed notes. I loved you girls. Admittedly that I was closer to her, but it didn't mean that I thought of you any less. We just rolled like that. We got through the last year of primary and the shitty first years of high school because we had each other to moon and dream to. Don't ever forget that.


We moved on to greater heights. You changed, but whos to say I didn't change too? We were separated but we came together in times of deep shizz. I told you everything and I expected that you'd be the same way. I'm sorry of I made you feel that I was judging you.
I didn’t reach for you as often as I liked but do understand your biggest comfort was being there. I guess it wasn’t enough for you anymore. Then you went on without me.  I didn't care that you had secrets, both of you, I just wished that you didn't think I'd misunderstand.
Angry words. Too many words. When you used to be on the same team, you know each others weaknesses. Too easy to put arrows through hearts.
Stuttering, then awkward pauses.
It got so hard to speak. Silence. Then we just began filling in the blanks with our own ideas.


I left.
Lots and lots of filling in the blanks. You'd just never know and I will never know how hard it was for you, what was going through your mind, I missed out on your graduation, it was like you were doing 200mph on a freeway and there was no way I'd catch up with you again.
So i was stuck with some black and white memory of us when you've hit 3D on the silver screens already.

We change and we grew up. The tween dreams of senior prom and blowing the high school joint became reality. All we ever wanted was there for the taking. We drive cars and dress up. She and I made up. Turns out the biggest hatcet to go underground was not with me and her, it was you and I.
Like I said, too late.


I'm here.
I'm sorry.
Please lets not be like this.
I'm no one to you now, I get it. We're rockets, who knows what heights you've soared since then.
You were something to me. You may say that I don't know the first thing bout friendship but I spent 3 years thinking bout it.
All the betrayal in your life makes you shut out those who've hurt you. But let me be the first one to break the ice and admit,
Its my fault. Blame me.
I'm here and will always be.


I don't care whats happened. Dear friend, I foresee a lot of struggles for you, but you know, it doesn't matter at all. You may be pregnant or have killed someone, it changes nothing. Thats the miracle of old friends, you can be your utmost worst and they wouldn't bat an eyelid. Just be safe ok? You're brilliant and the worlds really all yours for the taking. Who cares if you've taken unconventional roads, as long as you reach the goal it'll all be worth it.
Be well. Take care. To tell you to rein in your impulsion and your tenacity is cruelty but I prescribe a hint of caution and foresight and you'd really rule the world, the social or economical one.

Be well.

Who am I kidding here? You'd never even read this. How can it be that though I'm dead to you, you're still killing me inside? The truth shall set you free right?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

merrily we stroll along

Happy Eid Mubarak everyone!
Forgive me from the crown of my head to the tip of my toes.
I shall learn to swallow the bitterness and
Have a blessed one folks!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

this kitty has claws.

Reputations take years to build and miliseconds to destroy.
So no, you can't fix my rep even if you tried. Sorry no cure isn't it?

Swiftness in judgement is born from a prejudiced conviction or an envious soul. Stew on that will ya?

What did the Japanese learn in 1945? Attack Pearl Harbour, gain a small advance on the Americans but awaken the sleeping giant and get Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombed to smithereens.

I'll use what you did as fuel to feed the flames of my kiasu-ism and come back bigger, better and stronger. Forgiveness is easy, forgetting is just a whole different ball game.

I thought you were professional.

"Regret it now?" Just because I'll never ever say it, doesn't mean I won't always look it.

In some senses I have to thank you for giving the push I needed to motivate myself. See if you like me now.

one star lost didn't make the heavens dimmer.

You can't always get what you want. Even if you realised this at 4, when you didn't get the ice cream you thought you deserved after yelling your lungs out or if you realised it at Form 4 when you didn't get that A1 for Add Maths though you wept tears of blood for it.

The most important lessons are the hardest to learn. At 18, it has come home to me that you really can't always get what you want.

Why? Cause if you always got your way, you'd build this illusion that you're oh-so-great. Thats a title only fit for the Lord. Thus he reminds you to be humble by not always giving you your hearts desire.

I'll be content with what he's been so ultimately generous in giving me thus far and set my sights on other things or the ones that are already in my grasp.

I'll quit yapping and go and count my lucky stars now. Alhamdulillah.