Friday, December 31, 2010

2010; in memory.

People God Needed Me To Meet

5. The 67 gifted, whacked and greatly missed PKTRians. Who showed me that, awesome people live everywhere.

4. The Bankies of Taylors. Because you guys were the only reason I stayed that long.

3. KMB-ians, especially my ace roommate, my 3rd wheel, and my classmates.

2. Kak Siti Umaira, and my god-sent Usrah family. I'm sorry it came to me so late that you guys were what I was looking for.
1. Abang Al-Nazmi. Welcome to the family, bro. Gosh, I've never had a big brother before so we might be awkward but a few years of this brats antics and we'll be as thick as thieves.

Completed Checklist
> Kayaked.
> White water rafting.
> One night in a 6 star hotel.
> Be a bridesmaid.

> Flying foxed. 
> Choir for VIPs.
> Fed a bear honey from my bare hands.

> Drove myself. (GAHA!) The car survived, gladly.
> Moved from one friends house to another.
> Tutored kids!
> Taught Orang Asli new words.

> Khatamed.
> Scored for SPM! (Alhamdulillah!)

I want to be a doctor because, its in my blood to be one.

Sealed Permanently in Memory
5. Crying, giddy with relief, when I saw my SPM slip. At that moment, there was no other moment. No other person. No other experience. Refreshing and gazing at the words Tahniah.
4. Serenading the crowd with "Gemuruh Jiwa" and "We Are The World", watching them shed tears as it hit us that, we are the future.
3. Swerving, hitting the accelerator instead of brakes, hearing the honks....
2. Exhilaration. Debate. You. Me. And the awards shared between us.
1. That lump that materialised the moment "Aku nikahkan kau...." was said. Daddy's speech at Tabung Haji *chokes* Hello, hello brother?

Afzan, Siti Saleha, and the Mo, Aimi Amirah, when you guys are here, I'm a rocketeer.

"Loneliness, is just God's way of wanting a private word." - Wani Dan, Banting bus stop, the day I was a document-less immigrant

The airbags to my crashes. Lots of Thanks.

My wife, Woon Ee Laine.
My "Oh-Man-I-Didn't-Mean-To-Kill-Him-But-Just-Did-Cause-He-Beat-Me-In-Class" Reza.

My elbow, Farhana Reza.
My saving grace, Farah Lina.
My wing man, Wani Dan.

Fluffy cushioned family. I'd be in the gutter without you.
Whiz cousie, Saranghaeyo, Diyana.

Kick Ass Pen People.
Faisal Tehrani. Dan Brown. Greg Mortenson. 

The girls, now and always! 

The Beats.
Nothing On You- Bruno Mars; the post SPM anthem.
Healing- Sami Yusuf; the prayer to motivate.
Mountain- Hamza Robertson; the pillar of strength.
My Heaven- Big Bang; when I wanted to fly so badly.
Love, Love, Love - FT Island; CAS and M10A. 
Baby- Justin Bieber; Oceanus! 

And the Almighty, who fated that in 2010, I had to grow up. He decided I needed to date him. And no other. He resuscitated this living corpse. His love, I've come to know is, undying. Laillahailallah.

2011; Part One

1. Free my mind.
2. Be devout.
3. Disconnect myself from the deadliest book.
4. Not postpone.
5. Finish tafsir fi zilal.
6. Volunteer more.
7. Raise more than 2K for Cambodia.
8. Give more.
9. Put myself back in 28, denim.
10. Appreciate my A+ family.
11. Cut whining. 

Friday, December 24, 2010


Don't look at me through your prejudiced filters. You try taking a born and bred KL-ite and transporting her to another coast, hundreds of miles, tons of new faces, one language barrier, a brand new social strata, thousands of little faux pas and a whole new lifestyle.

It wasn't easy and it still isn't. This time its closer to home, yet so much further. 

Stick that up yours. I'm not one to just turn around, look at my past and then decide that I want to completely have nothing to do with it. They say adapt, so I adapt. They say repent, so I repent. 

No one said anything about forget. Or hate. Or have selective memories. Or turn-your-nose-up-at-your-friends-for-thou-art-holier-than-they-now.

I know whats the code of conduct, when I'm home or away. Does it matter if it makes me schizophrenic

They're all friends, I've been through skinny and XL with them. Be it from SBU or PC or KMB. I'm me at all times, just different shades. 

So quit acting flabbergasted by the difference in the way I act when I'm with them. You don't treat an Eskimo and an Arab the same way. If the ability to juggle different worlds makes me dysfunctional so be it. 

You got it easy if the transition didn't squelch your personality. I know who I want to be albeit the fact I can fit into many molds. I'm talented like that, thank you very much.

I've done things I'm none too proud of. I don't intend to repeat them. I'm far from perfect, and I know I gotta keep working at it. But who said I had to do it your way? Seriously, it takes longer than a year, or two.

I'm not an anti-conformist but neither will I bend to your insipid opinions on how I should/should not act. As long as I'm not breaking any rules, it really is inconsequential. What hurts is the way you cast dagger looks at me, and tut at my conversations and roll your eyes at my pictures.  

So, I'm going to stop now. I'll come clean and be myself. If you can't accept it, at least I'll be able to.


one ummah.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Hospital Attachment: Kerana kami mahukan exposure

Day 1.

First dish for the day: Briefing by the Deputy Director of Hospital Sg Buloh, Dr Aminuddin.
He broadened our comprehension of the medical field by bidding us to venture into other workplaces besides the hospital. He thinks doctors and hospitals are so cliched!
His suggestions:
> Ministry of Health : For docs who are big on administrative posts, public health officers and deal will the general health of Malaysians
> Higher Education Ministry: Docs who want to be lecturers, work in unis, or be panel doctors
> Prime Ministers Office: Resident doctors for Orang Asli (teringat SK Bkt Tadom), or LPPKN to work in the family planning unit, or be docs who are on standby for the PM
> MINDEF: Be an army doc! Like Major Owen Hunt in Greys *swoons*

You get posted around the world, like Western Africa etc

He warned us that the path of a healer isn't a bed of roses. We did the math with him, 2 years in IB, 5 years in Med School, 2 years as a Houseman, 3 years compulsory service, 4 years if you enter the Masters Program, 1 year to be gazetted as as a Specialist, then its 5 years before you can achieve the title Consultant. Give or take its 20+ years. Given that you don't flop in any of those stages. *gulps*

After sowing seeds of doubt and kiasuism, we were led on to the tour of all the wards of the hospital! My favourite part.
It was all your basic wards, the coolest definitely being Ortho and Day Care Endoscope wards. Ortho cause of all the machinery attached to the patients, 

Like this Illizarov to treat open bone fractures

And the different types of scopes

Syamim was weirded out by how patients in the Neuro ward had stitches on their shaved heads (post craniotomy), and misshapen heads due to accidents. The Medical ward was rife with diabetes patients and the Surgical wards had patients in varying stages (pre-op, post-op, observation). But there wasn't much action going on. 

After our tour of the wards, we were all dying to see a procedure, so I harassed Dr Madihah to let me observe whatever it was she was doing at the moment. 
Result: I got to see my own sister suture someones tongue! Very cool!

Pictures of patients are prohibited but use your imagination!

But we were determined to see something more dramatic so Hannis seeked permission to go to the Forensics department which includes the morgue! Jeepers creepers or what? The forensics officers are super sporting and gave us an extensive tour which includes the body storage facility. He jokingly offered to show us, but we were like "Seriously" and before we could stop him, he pulled out the body from the fridge!

Again, not the real deal but akin to it.

He then offered to show us decomposed bodies! Syamim, Irma, Ijat and I were cowering behind each other. He rolled out the body, and though we were scared, we braced ourselves, then we realized, "Hey, this ain't so bad, we can do this!" We even saw the bodies of babies dumped by their mothers (which broke our hearts, because the baby looked like it was asleep, perfectly preserved, just lying there..... 
Oh mother who bore this child, did you not feel even an inkling of love when you glimpsed this heavenly face?

The autopsy room and its apparatus may seem like a butcher work zone but the officer in charge implied that as a medical student, we should start getting used to it, cause its the unofficial classroom for anatomy class. The officer even regaled us with tales of how sometimes it gets so difficult to put your brain back in your cranium that they just close your head up and put your brain in your thoracic cavity or next to your intestines! 

Day 2
Visited the Pharmacy Unit! As an outpatient who's on thyroxine for life, I must say it really tweaked my interest on how my meds make it from the supplier into my mouth. The Pharmacy Unit was so organized thanks to their strict adherence of the Kaizen 5S method! I suggested to Hannis that the KMB MPPs make a trip cause the place was the most organized, cheerful and efficient department I have ever been too!  I instantly felt like 5S-ing my life!

Next up: CSSD unit.
Suit up people! 

Introduction to surgical tools, sterility procedures and procedure kits! Ahh, the shiny shiny scalpels really made my jiwa bergetar XD

I think I have a fetish for surgical clamps.

As usual, we are the most demanding HA group in the world. After our official tour ended, we begged Puan Hamimah (a darling really) to allow us access to the Labour Room. 
And since Hannis is an expert at diplomatic reasoning, we got ourselves in.
Was very worth it! Day 1 we saw the last stage of life, today we witnessed the very beginning of life! The screams of one of the mothers as she was in labour are still ringing in my ears.... Dr Chan showed us how to ultrasound the mothers belly, the early stages of labour (contractions and how far the passage has opened) and the types of abnormal pregnancies like twins and breached babies.
The sister there said that tho labour does hurt, no one actually screams that often. It all depends on individual pain thresholds. If all your energy is channeled to your larynx, your uterus won't be as efficient in pushing that baby out. (It is ur uterus that pushes kan?)

We also made a trip to the Emergency Dept (ED) where with our muka tebals we hijacked a doctors procedure and assisted in setting broken bones! (You gotta be bold in asking doctors for things you want)
ED feels very familiar as I've clocked many hours there with my sister and have been a patient there myself. Plus, after 6 seasons of Grey's Anatomy, your bound to know what triage and trauma are right?

Day 3

Since Sg Buloh was built on the original leper colony, we got to visit the PKKN (Pusat Kawalan Kusta Negara). Leprosy is one of the plagues of the past, thanks to the advent of Dapsone and MDTs, but back in the 1920's, if you had leprosy, you'd have to get yourself checked in here. Its the largest leper colony in Malaysia at one time, having over 2500 patients. 
Some of the nurses there used to work back in the heyday of leprosy, the patients used to be in such pain, and mind you there wasn't any morphine, or ponstan or adequate pain killers back then, and the would hurt so bad that some just commit suicide in their beds. 

Some of the original lepers still remain here, and you can see the effects of the disease. One aunty I asked told me that she'd been there since 1988

What it does to your hands.

Couldn't help remembering the King of Jerusalem during the time of Christian occupation during the crusades,  Baldwin the IV and his face when he died. 

The docs there however reassured that its a slow disease, and most patients don't die of leprosy, but of other complications and that modern medicine can have leprosy cured fast.

Our final stop was the rehab centre. Reminded me of grandma and PDKs. Apparently, rehab is the new "in" thing with hospitals and demands for allied health science careers such as occupational therapists, physiotherapists, and rehab doctors have skyrocketed.
Post SPM people, look into these careers. Allied health is still work in the medical field, only the path has less thorns and bumps, and the job satisfaction is equally high.

The gang with our KYUEM friends.

Was definitely a worth it experience. Albeit the fact that we were shooed out of the OT, I still learnt a lot!  Special thanks to Pn Hamimah and Sis Azian fr making this all possible. And the Almighty of course. This is the path I'm determined to take God willing, and I know I gotta make the most of it. 

Next time, I'm just gonna apply for OT visits only! Scratch that, next time, I'm gonna be running my own OT.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

the plunge.

Forty years ago, the Beatles asked the world a simple question: they wanted to know where all the lonely people came from. My latest theory is that a great many of the lonely people come from hospitals. More precisely, the surgical wing of hospitals. As surgeons, we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients' needs. We ignore our friends and families so we can save other people's friends and families. Which means that, at the end of the day, all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.

We live our lives on the surgical unit. Seven days a week, 14 hours a day, we're together more than we're apart. After a while, the ways of residency becomes the ways of life. Number one: Always keep score. Number two: Do whatever you can to outsmart the other guy. Number three: Don't make friends with the enemy. Oh, yeah, Number four: Everything, everything is a competition. Whoever said winning wasn't everything... Never held a scalpel

The game. They say a person either has what it takes to play, or they don’t. My mother was one of the greats. Me on the other hand, i'm kinda screwed.I can't think of a single reason why I should be a surgeon, but I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit. They make it hard on purpose. There are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit, but here's the thing. I love the playing field.

But I still want it bad. Sorry Mer & Yang, I'm hooked. 

Saturday, December 11, 2010

for now, Gaha.

Dear Form Fivers,

Sleep 12 hours a day.
Sit on your bed and bask in that feeling of having, abso-freaking-lutely nothing to do.
Get certified, and get driving!
Do anything that crosses your minds (within legal bounds yeah)
Main, main, main Facebook until you've changed your status 10 times a day and have over a 100 profile pics.
You guys deserved it, and the next few months really was spectacular!

Hmmm, to the SPM '09 batch, do you guys wanna go back in time and finish SPM all over again? But thinking of their scholarship woes, application frenzies and anxiety ahead, I think not.

9/12/2009: Hours after Chemistry ended, we "flew" to Tesco.

I guess its official, I can no longer miss my high school days.

Monday, December 6, 2010

free time again.

When your mind tires of Facebook: Pick up the odd schoolbook, you'll be amazed at how much faster your brain absorbs when its removed from the pressure of school, exams and homework.

Looking for the infinitely perfect beyond understanding:

Ran out of ideas to function optimally

Missing Thursday night tazkirah/ Kulsem

Thoughts of the new school year and impending DOOM with results: Wake up and watch the sun rise. Even if you get 4 for Economics (God forbid!) the sun will continue to rise. And life will move on.

If your missing your crush/ hotness (Leka!) / significant other : Kiss mummy or daddy or both, because no other humans in the world will love you unconditionally like they do.

When your hungry at home and your craving Roti Cheese or Mee Kungfu from KFC (only KMB will get this)

You have a suspicion that the TV is watching you not vice  versa:

Sick of reading my blog posts: Go to sleep, because next year you will not get enough.


1. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment 
3. Don't over do; keep your limits 
4. Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does 
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip 
6. Dream more while you are awake 
7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present 
11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you 
12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.
Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

13. Smile and laugh more
14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

15. Call your family often
16. Each day give something good to others 
17. Forgive everyone for everything 
18. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6 
19. Try to make at least three people smile each day 
20. What other people think of you is none of your business 
21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

22. Put GOD first in anything and everything that you think, say and do. 
23. GOD heals everything 
24. Do the right things 
25. However good or bad a situation is, it will change 
26. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up 
27. The best is yet to come 
28. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful 
29. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it 
30. If you know GOD you will always be happy. So, be happy. 

While you practice all of the above, share this knowledge with the people you love, people you school with, people you play with, people you work with and people you live with.
Not only will it enrich YOUR life, but also that of those around you
> Blogged by Afza Qis, reblogged by Amal, and re-reblogged by Moi. Doesn't decrease the meaning in this.
Thank you both, really "makan dalam".
InshaAllah, we'll try to change our lives.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

english b?

So this is the blog post intended to be the prep for English HL paper tomorrow. More like killing birds with one stone, since my blog has been collecting dust. Exam week la kot. 

To be frank, academic excellence has been a main goal, if not the main goal for me since forever, and this is coming from a person who was sent to kindergarten at the tender age of 3, was kiasu-ing about making top spot since my first exam of Standard One, bent over backwards to secure myself amongst the top in everything (for those of you who knew me back then, I even went to Art Class in Lower Form in efforts to prevent Art from reducing my overall %). In Upper Forms, this inherent kiausness actually simmered down from explosive, public competition (ish, sounds like market structure je....) to a silent, inner drive to triumph, this does not include the occasional bout of frustration towards the smartness of my batch mates (3 of them who even made the National Scholars list, kudos!)
In retrospect, I'm not sure why I did this.

What was I looking for? Truly? I suspect that the bulk of my education was gained with the sole purpose of usage in examinations only. Ustaz Jamir's words on ilmu becoming nothing but perdagangan dunia sahaja came to haunt me. I'm a little stricken with the thought that all you do, and what you get out of it, depends on why you did it in the first place. If this logic applies, Nik Syakirah is in grande probleme.

So, if I studied only for exams, then I got good results, the time and effort invested were just to fulfil the shallow goal of getting good results only? No investment was made towards the betterment of society, improving the state of the country, the Hereafter? 

Why do you want to get good results? No like, soalan Darjah Satu, "Cikgu kenapa kena pergi sekolah, kenapa kena belajar, kenapa kena dapat results tinggi?" Jawab cikgu, jawab. :D

Truly at the rate everyones "puluning" and squeezing their brains dry, it had better be for something worthwhile
But when I think again, I was doing it merely to complete a worldly cycled deemed by society as the pathway to success. Good results > scholarship > top uni > good job > lots of money > buy a Merc convertible and a McMansion on some beach front > expire.
Golly, Stacy Orrico singing:

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

Is playing in my mind. 

Luckily God is all ears to our inner conflicts and he chose me to attend this evenings KulSem (Kuliah Sepuluh Minit) at the Surau Blok.Your studying to seek knowledge, because knowledge is the light that leads you on, closer and closer to the Absolute Truth. Exams is just, to quote ISAC's president, "Alat, bukan matlamat". 
I study and the thirst to be the best I have wasn't meant to be a tribute to my eagerness to never fail, to always come out victorious and bask in the glory of praise and admiration, a cause to feel superior to the general population.

Working like a mad dog, revising time and again, gaining knowledge is in accordance to a decree from the Highest Power to seek His knowledge.Its not some blind rat race to get 10 A+ or IB 45.  

And this coming from a confessed kiasuist really is divine intervention. 

I expected inner despair to ensue after this revelation, instead, I'm filled with a sense of fulfillment. This is whats to be aimed. So long flimsy dreams.

Funny how, this resolution pops up in December when people are resigning themselves to the failure of their years resolution....