To be frank, academic excellence has been a main goal, if not the main goal for me since forever, and this is coming from a person who was sent to kindergarten at the tender age of 3, was kiasu-ing about making top spot since my first exam of Standard One, bent over backwards to secure myself amongst the top in everything (for those of you who knew me back then, I even went to Art Class in Lower Form in efforts to prevent Art from reducing my overall %). In Upper Forms, this inherent kiausness actually simmered down from explosive, public competition (ish, sounds like market structure je....) to a silent, inner drive to triumph, this does not include the occasional bout of frustration towards the smartness of my batch mates (3 of them who even made the National Scholars list, kudos!)
In retrospect, I'm not sure why I did this.
What was I looking for? Truly? I suspect that the bulk of my education was gained with the sole purpose of usage in examinations only. Ustaz Jamir's words on ilmu becoming nothing but perdagangan dunia sahaja came to haunt me. I'm a little stricken with the thought that all you do, and what you get out of it, depends on why you did it in the first place. If this logic applies, Nik Syakirah is in grande probleme.
So, if I studied only for exams, then I got good results, the time and effort invested were just to fulfil the shallow goal of getting good results only? No investment was made towards the betterment of society, improving the state of the country, the Hereafter?
Why do you want to get good results? No like, soalan Darjah Satu, "Cikgu kenapa kena pergi sekolah, kenapa kena belajar, kenapa kena dapat results tinggi?" Jawab cikgu, jawab. :D
Truly at the rate everyones "puluning" and squeezing their brains dry, it had better be for something worthwhile
But when I think again, I was doing it merely to complete a worldly cycled deemed by society as the pathway to success. Good results > scholarship > top uni > good job > lots of money > buy a Merc convertible and a McMansion on some beach front > expire.
Golly, Stacy Orrico singing:
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more
Is playing in my mind.
Luckily God is all ears to our inner conflicts and he chose me to attend this evenings KulSem (Kuliah Sepuluh Minit) at the Surau Blok.Your studying to seek knowledge, because knowledge is the light that leads you on, closer and closer to the Absolute Truth. Exams is just, to quote ISAC's president, "Alat, bukan matlamat".
I study and the thirst to be the best I have wasn't meant to be a tribute to my eagerness to never fail, to always come out victorious and bask in the glory of praise and admiration, a cause to feel superior to the general population.
Working like a mad dog, revising time and again, gaining knowledge is in accordance to a decree from the Highest Power to seek His knowledge.Its not some blind rat race to get 10 A+ or IB 45.
And this coming from a confessed kiasuist really is divine intervention.
I expected inner despair to ensue after this revelation, instead, I'm filled with a sense of fulfillment. This is whats to be aimed. So long flimsy dreams.
Funny how, this resolution pops up in December when people are resigning themselves to the failure of their years resolution....
4 comments:
LOL @ "I was doing it merely to complete a worldly cycle deemed by society as the pathway to success"
So now you're saying that you'll continue being kiasu but this time you're justified in doing so because it is in accordance with God's decree to seek knowledge?
And yes, the timing is indeed very funny. I'm collapsing and dying for a break and here you are telling me that you're suddenly more motivated than before!
Kudos!
Good post at the right time, Nikko. At times I struggle so much to achieve, that I forget the initial purpose/niat itself. Thanks for reminding moi. :D
You clearly always have something brilliant to say. So proud of your successes all these while, Nikkins!. Something that I myself ponder as well, in the end, what do I get in return other than all that you mention? :|
@ Nana: NANA! I miss you mucho girl. Buzz me when your on this side of town. I know, its quite a lot to fathom.
@ Rudi : Glad to be of service! Btw, where you've been hiding?
@Reza: For further details you know where to find me.
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