browsing memories.

Dahulu,

Kini, 

I know from that day to this, we've not grown taller.

But, I hope our souls have grown by leaps and bounds.

The distance has put us apart,

But I hope that its only made us closer to Him,

And as the days go by, we're getting even closer to death; and even further from our past.

heck-i'm-in-kmb. ah-duhhhhh.

Its been a real hectic few weeks in KMB. (Like when is it NOT hectic again?!) 
Its like I'm unconsciously stretched to new lengths which I didn't know I could reach. 


The bad bit bout this is: One twitch too many and you could snap and suddenly the drama and tears are released.


In my effort to not procrastinate and finish EVERYTHING on time, I came up with a 17 item to do list. 
Plus with the fact that today was especially tight with class ending at 2.30, then having to prioritize between Religious Talk on Apostasy / Nottingham Uni Briefing / English Club Meeting all happening at the same time.  Sweet. 
Then misplacing your handphone due to the "luckiness" of being among the 3 classes who have to float this semester. Realizing its TWO WEEKS to Cambodia and we've got so many loose ends to tie up. And money to seemingly generate from thin air.
Then Karate and Cambodian discussion at the same time.


Can anyone text me Hermione Granger's number? I need to borrow her time turner ASAP. 


I didn't expect that we'd start to grate at each others nerves till tonight when everyone was really down, and the negativity was at an all time high. Post meeting, in which no one laughed at all, Razan, Aizad, Lingesh and myself just sat ourselves down at the KFC, and started to unload (and I had to ignore that looming checklist).


Our convo really put things in persepctive again.


1. We're all pushing limits we never knew we had. And learning how hard it is to say no when a teacher goes like "Could you please do this....."


2. There should be an 11th IB Learner Profile: Sleep deprived multi-tasker


3. We'd gladly trade our monthly $$$ for 30 hours in a day.


4. Though we'd be getting a way more exhilarating/ glittering/ happening life outside this palm oil plantation,  we secretly don't wanna leave. We're like Stockholm Syndrome sufferers, in love with our captors :)


Though Aizad would be the oldest freshman in America, and Lingesh could spend more time living if he was in ICPU and Razan and myself would just be able to just focus on STUDIES in A-Levels, we'd really not want to give this IB Life up. 


Its these @#$#$%$^^@#$#$ moments that'll make us tougher for whatever we might face. 


I don't want this place to be different from MRSM, but I wouldn't forgive it if it was the same cause then it'll just be repeated challenges. 


I mean which other pre-u in which other college would you get the opportunity to go learn about goat rearing, much less milk one.

And God would never burden his slave beyond their capabilities. So I have it in me to handle this. 


Taking the days and weeks bit by bit, as they come. Impossible deadlines for EE & TOK, unexpected tests, more lab reports and IAs will come, ( I mean this is only half of the second semester, wonder how the seniors feel) but I guess I'll just have to see if I really can accept this new life, this KMB, and make it to the other side.


And to those not in the IB world, I know you can't appreciate this moment of realism, but try to picture the relief when you finally learn to accept a trying situation. 
Priceless, no?
I just might love you, KMB.

because i'll look back at this post

Peace be upon you :D


The week in rewind.
I'm really flabbergasted at the fact that I've been learning Pendidikan Agama Islam since Std 1 and the Prophets story isn't a new one, but yet, I feel like I've just entered Islam recently and just knew my Prophet. Allahuma solli 'ala Muhammad. Allah, grant peace upon our Beloved Rasul.


So everyone tells you, this ain't high school people. Hear it often enough and you'll either get ultra freaked out or you get immune to it. Sorry to say, I'm of the latter. 
Till Wednesday evening. 


Friday evening,
As I lie and ponder, at the amassing work pile, at the Holy Book with all the "nice" ayats neatly marked, at the EE timeline plastered to the wall, at the G4 proposal and ToK outline waiting to be completed, at the Econs IA left untouched, it does inspire some very nasty thoughts.

Its so easy for me to slip from conscious, sane thoughts that tell me, God is testing me, but never, never does he forsake you if you come to Him to straying thoughts that delve into darker treacherous waters.


Allah says, “If my servant comes closer to Me a hand span, I come closer to him or her an arms-length; and if he or she comes to Me walking, I come to him or her at speed.” (Bukhari)


Why is it that I have to consciously direct my thoughts to Him? A slave thinks only of his bondage, his master, executing his masters bidding, seeking his masters pleasure. Seems like acting like a slave ignorant of his situation is something I've been used to.


But His mercy truly knows no bounds. As I was being kept away by Leka from my evening nap (bad, bad habit), who else would turn up at my room if not NAILY and KIA! 


Truly My Lord knows best. Them being there, being able to hug my bestest friends again, was truly God's planning at work. He knew that sending them here was the best for me. And me, being the hothead, spontaneous, devil-may-care girl I am, upped and packed my stuff for a much needed sleepover at Naily's. Epic impulsive. But an epic cure.

Naily and Kia, Allah bless you!


Saturday morning.
I barely remember telling Mummy that I wanted to eat some fruits on the phone when she said she wanted to come for Academic Day. It still weirded me out why she'd want to drive all the way to this Palm Oil Wonderland just to see my teachers.


Not that she's really attended my report card days before this.


But Mummy turned up this morning, uber enthusiastic and I almost cried when she handed me 4 bags of fruits. And they were all cut up into little cubes. AND she used the fancy cutter that makes little patterns by the side. 


Although I didn't go with her to the hall cause I was in a Cambodia meeting, she took notes on what my teachers said, and, I don't know about you, but I felt like I was such a wretched daughter for not appreciating a mummy like this. Sometimes, all it takes is the little things for you to realize big facts. 


I love you Mummy, may Allah bless you, and have mercy on you the way you had mercy on me when I was young. And of course Daddy too.


Friday's usrah came rushing to me then.
Whoever favors Me over others, I favor them over others. I reward every single good deed ten times over or seven hundred times over to countless times over. I count every single bad deed as one unless the person repents and ask for My Forgiveness in which case I forgive even that one. I take into account any little good deed and I forgive even major sins. My Mercy supersedes My Anger; My Tolerance supersedes My Blame; My Forgiveness supersedes My Punishment as I am more merciful with My slaves than a mother with her child.” (Madarij As-Saalikeen by Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziya)


O Allah, I see now that you inspired Mummy's love, and all of it came from you. And its this thought, that made this week, that much better. The knowledge and reassurance, that My Lord and Protector, is merciful and always there.

So really, a week isn't filled with frightening instances, just depends on how you look at it. Thank you, Allah. 

young heart.

“Sebaik-baik wanita ialah yang tidak memandang dan tidak dipandang oleh lelaki.”

Aku tidak ingin dipandang cantik oleh lelaki. Biarlah aku hanya cantik di matamu. Apa gunanya aku menjadi perhatian lelaki andai murka Allah ada di situ.

Apalah gunanya aku menjadi idaman banyak lelaki sedangkan aku hanya bisa menjadi milikmu seorang.

Aku tidak merasa bangga menjadi rebutan lelaki bahkan aku merasa terhina diperlakukan sebegitu seolah-olah aku ini barang yang bisa dimiliki sesuka hati.

Aku juga tidak mau menjadi penyebab kejatuhan seorang lelaki yang dikecewakan lantaran terlalu mengharapkan sesuatu yang tidak dapat aku berikan.

Bagaimana akan kujawab di hadapan Allah kelak andai ditanya? Adakah itu sumbanganku kepada manusia selama hidup di muka bumi?

Kalau aku tidak ingin kau memandang perempuan lain, aku dululah yang perlu menundukkan pandanganku. Aku harus memperbaiki dan menghias peribadiku karena itulah yang dituntut oleh Allah.

Kalau aku ingin lelaki yang baik menjadi suamiku, aku juga perlu menjadi perempuan yang baik. Bukankah Allah telah menjanjikan perempuan yang baik itu untuk lelaki yang baik?

Tidak kunafikan sebagai remaja, aku memiliki perasaan untuk menyayangi dan disayangi. 
Namun setiap kali perasaan itu datang, setiap kali itulah aku mengingatkan diriku bahwa aku perlu menjaga perasaan itu karena ia semata-mata untukmu.

Allah telah memuliakan seorang lelaki yang bakal menjadi suamiku untuk menerima hati dan perasaanku yang suci. Bukan hati yang menjadi labuhan lelaki lain. Engkau berhak mendapat kasih yang tulen.

Aku bukanlah seorang gadis yang cerewet dalam memilih pasangan hidup. Siapalah diriku untuk memilih permata sedangkan aku hanyalah sebutir pasir yang wujud di mana-mana.

Tetapi aku juga punya keinginan seperti wanita yang lain, dilamar lelaki yang bakal memimpinku ke arah tujuan yang satu.

Tidak perlu kau memiliki wajah setampan Nabi Yusuf Alaihisalam, juga harta seluas perbendaharaan Nabi Sulaiman Alaihisalam, atau kekuasaan seluas kerajaan Nabi Muhammad Shallallahu ‘Alaihi Wassalam, yang mampu mendebarkan hati jutaan gadis untuk membuat aku terpikat.

Andainya kaulah jodohku yang tertulis di Lauh Mahfuz, Allah pasti akan menanamkan rasa kasih dalam hatiku juga hatimu. Itu janji Allah.

Akan tetapi, selagi kita tidak diikat dengan ikatan yang sah, selagi itu jangan dibazirkan perasaan itu karena kita masih tidak mempunyai hak untuk membuat begitu.

Juga jangan melampaui batas yang telah Allah tetapkan. Aku takut perbuatan-perbuatan seperti itu akan memberi kesan yang tidak baik dalam kehidupan kita kelak.

Aku akan merasa amat bernilai andai dapat menjadi tiang penyangga ataupun sandaran perjuanganmu.

Bahkan aku amat bersyukur pada Illahi kiranya akulah yang ditakdirkan meniup semangat juangmu, mengulurkan tanganku untukmu berpaut sewaktu rebah atau tersungkur di medan yang dijanjikan Allah dengan kemenangan atau syahid itu.

Akan kukeringkan darah dari lukamu dengan tanganku sendiri. Itu impianku. Aku pasti berendam airmata darah, andainya engkau menyerahkan seluruh cintamu kepadaku.

Cukuplah kau mencintai Allah dengan sepenuh hatimu karena dengan mencintai Allah, kau akan mencintaiku karena-Nya. Cinta itu lebih abadi daripada cinta biasa. Moga cinta itu juga yang akan mempertemukan kita kembali di syurga.

Seorang gadis yang membiarkan dirinya dikerumuni, didekati, diakrabi oleh lelaki yang bukan muhrimnya, cukuplah dengan itu hilang harga dirinya di hadapan Allah. Di hadapan Allah. Di hadapan Allah.

Yang dicari walau bukan putera raja, biarlah putera Agama.
Yang diimpi, biarlah tak punya rupa, asal sedap dipandang mata.
Yang dinilai, bukan sempurna sifat jasmani, asalkan sihat rohani dan hati.
Yang diharap, bukan jihad pada semangat, asal perjuangannya ada matlamat.
Yang datang, tak perlu rijal yang gemilang, kerana diri ini serikandi dengan silam yang kelam.
Yang dinanti, bukan lamaran dengan permata, cukuplah akad dan janji setia.
Dan yg akan terjadi, andai tak sama dgn kehendak hati, insyaAllah ku redha ketetapan Illahi..

Wahai wanita, ku ingatkan diriku dan dirimu, peliharalah diri dan jagalah kesucian.. semoga redha Allah akan sentiasa mengiringi dan memberkati perjalanan hidup ini

effendea

cured.

And lets cut out despondency.

When in stress, sweat. 

Seriously.

Seriously. 

slap slap.

Peace be upon YOU!

 

Its a little scary how time is slipping by. Its so easy to get swept up in the tide of the temporary. Its the soundest sleepers that get the worst jolts when time runs out, no?

Today was a day when I drifted from one class to the next. Laughing. Only after the last "funny" class as we were reading the verses from al-Asr, did I realize how I was in error. 

In the name of Allah, Most Beneficent, Most Merciful,

By time.

Verily man is in loss.

Except those who believe and do righteous good deeds, 

and recommend one another to the truth 

and recommend one another to patience.

Proves that when you read something as a daily routine, it could become just another habit. Done subconsciously. Without heart. If I remember God's loving words every time I recite it, this life won't seem like a series of orchestrated events. Starting with the death march on the way to school and culminating with the victory song the moment my head hits the pillow.

Its way easier to feign ignorance, and just continue laughing out loud, going through the long day, whining all the way. I'm like someone with no purpose. Its also easy to leave that nastily hard section in the exam empty. But I guess I know what happens to me after that. It ain't a pretty sight.

The question is: Why am I so fickle and giggly these days???

penance.

Something fishy is happening. Its too often to ignore and too big to not notice. Bak kata my favourite scholar, Sheikh Imran Hossein "If you don't know this, you living in Disneyland!". 

Keeping it simple, name 10 plagues and disasters in the last year 2010-2011.

1. Haiti's 7.0 earthquake, the one that brought us the song "We Are The World" by various artists

2. Chile 8.8 earthquake

3. Iceland's unpronounceable volcano eruption causing travel in Europe impossible

4. Russian heat wave and forest fires

5. China's April earthquake measuring 6.9

6. Suddenly a SINK HOLE appears in Guatemala, as thought to remind us, that hell is bound to be deeper

7. The BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is so ironical cause everywhere people are digging for oil greedily and its like God decided, "You want oil, we'll give you oil!". Sure enough they had 6.4 million litres per day. Thats like literally watching money float in water. 

8. Pakistans deluge affecting 20 million people, categorized as worst flood of the ever to hit the country

9. Mount Merapi explodes! Right after a 7.7 earthquake in Western Indonesia.

10. South China submerged by torrential rains, 10 million people displaced.

Quoting ABC News: 2010- Mother Nature going to the extreme. 20 earthquakes recorded at 7.0 and higher.

Right, and here I was in Malaysia enjoying 2010, which was, ironically, the year I wasted the most time doing nothing of particular significance.

You know how the world 'barbaric' and 'uncivilized' keeps cropping up in our history textbooks to describe times past? In comparison society today for all its i's: iPad, iPod, iPhone, iSetan, really are the most uncivilized people to walk the Earth.

Bukan hiperbola! Don't believe it, try naming 10 things considered as a social ill then and now.

1. Gays and lesbians. Its become so common that they even have "rights" and public incidents of people "coming out" everywhere. 

2. Killings. Even teenagers are shooting left, right and center. Malaysia pun! See Violent teens!

3. Massacres. Nigeria, Palestine, Mexican drug cartels.

4. Illegal *** Right, name me one TV series where they didn't do each other. its become lame to still be a virgin. Its the "do" all, lose all generation. We all know or have heard of read in the papers about someone doing/did/getting caught while at it. Thats why divorce rates are up everywhere, no?

5. Burying babies (with reference to zaman jahiliah). Its worse now, at least back then it was only girls, now its any baby born out of wedlock. Just cases of helpless infants dumped unceremoniously by parents I consider to be worse than animals (cause even they love their young). Pandai buat, pandai tanggung la. The least they could do is put the baby somewhere safe eg mosques, orphanges?

6. Substance abuse.

 ‘[Smoking is] hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain, and dangerous to the lungs.” – King James I

And he didn't have any gruesome medical findings as we do. Don't even mention drugs, listen to Lily Allen's "Everyones At It" to get a picture of how everyones on something.

"But how can we start to tackle the problem, if you don't put your hands up and admit their your on them? The kids are in danger, they're all getting habits, cause from what I can see everyones on it." - Lily Allen

 Hey, we've even invented new thing to get hooked on like glue! 

7. Incest. Its in the local dailies every other day. Info on incest 

8. Pornography. Nowadays people prefer it personal. No more watching it online, lets make our own videos. And this is how we utilize technology. Its the rage for artists to have one and be talked about in the tabloids. Look at that Indonesian star dubbed Peterp***. 

9. Human trafficking. Slavery is back! Only its way more wicked cause you don't even know it is! The only traffic we seem to be interested is the one amassing on Jalan Tun Razak everyday Trafficking realities  There must be a reason why CNN's Hero of 2010, Anuradha Koirala is an anti-human trafficking activist.

10. Crime. Yawn, Its so often in papers, the snatch thefts, the robberies, the armed robberies, some of you may even have been victims. Its like people will stop at nothing, nothing is safe anymore. Even drain covers aren't spared.

11. Apathy. Probably the worse social ill. Ignorance and selfishness. To only want to see what you want to see. To be selective when deciding what to "Care" about. We have the sources, we read the news. But it just stays at that. News. Doesn't solicit any actions. Like a bunch of robots, going about our own lives, unable to escape our programmed nature. Only thinking about ourselves.

I know correlation doesn't mean causation. But the facts are there. People are getting creepy and nature doesn't seem to like it.

Theres just something wrong with the world. Its deep-rooted. The revolutions, the economic problems. Its like an unseen force is guiding mankind towards destruction.

And I know, deep inside you feel it to. Somethings coming.

I fear that it might even be too late. 

They say: "When will this Fath (decision) be (between us and you i.e. The Day of Resurrection), if you are indeed telling the truth?" Say: "On the Day of Al-Fath (Decision), no profit will it be to those who disbelieve! Nor will they be granted respite." So, turn aside from them and await, verily, they (too) are awaiting. 32:28-30